Let's talk boundaries. Change can begin with us, not them.
The recent pandemic experience has provided us with many opportunities for us to change in different areas of our lives. Boundaries are definitely one of the areas where change is often needed and we feel unsure how to do it.When we don't have boundaries, we often will feel more stressed, on edge, feeling like an internal tug of war goes on because we want a change, then feel angry with ourselves and others that it's not changing. It can bring on the emotional storm!
Despite the necessity for the distance between co-workers, family, and friends during social distancing, we can actually find that our ability and willingness to change our interactions is possible. Reflect on this question: what do you actually want your life and relationships to look like? This may be different then what you have had in the past, or what you currently have. That is totally normal and ok! Let's just reflect on how you can activate these changes by starting with what is desired, wanted, or needed in your life.
This epidemic situation creates opportunities to talk about changes. Less fear may be present because you have already been apart. You have survived being alone, or maybe just more distant. As the social distancing protocols change, it gives you an opportunity to reflect on what has felt better, what has worked, and what you want to define your life as, do you want your life to be with, and how do you see your future.
Creating Changes with Setting Boundaries
Take some space and write down what makes you happy, satisfied, and what you enjoy in your life currently. Then on the other side of the paper, write down what makes you angry, stressed, and frustrated. You can even write down specific things that bother you during interactions with family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, your kids, your partner, and really in any area of your life. Oftentimes we can recognize when a boundary is being crossed, not respected, or maybe a boundary is lacking completely because our emotional reaction presents with feeling hurt and anger.
Now imagine you can draw a wall, or the famous line in the sand and start over. Try even visualising ways that you can set new boundaries. This may mean communicating in a more assertive way. Assertive statements always start with the ‘I statement.”
Here is an example of an assertive statement and a boundary being communicated:
“I want you to know that I felt angry when this happened with you. I will no longer tolerate or accept that type of treatment from you. I do want to move forward with our friendship in a respectful way.”
A boundary can be started by some of these action step examples:
- Saying "no" to plans, a request, a demand from someone
- Changing a routine or schedule to accommodate what works for you
- Asking for something or someone to do something differently with you
- Changing a habit, such as setting goals and sticking to them with financial habits/spending
- Write down any other ideas that come to mind.
Boundaries can be difficult to outline, create, believe will work, or even define if you tend to be highly empathetic, or even a people pleasing person in your patterns of daily living. This can change with the right support, and that starts with recognizing it is not going the way you want. If you find yourself still struggling, seek out professional help to help guide you in how to set new boundaries that matter in your life.
Consider scheduling a session here, if you need more support.
