No Pants Needed: A Snapshot of Body Image and Eating Disorders Recovery

There is a pair of pants hanging in my closet, never worn, with the tags still attached. It's been there for close to 20 years… 

A reminder of my journey with eating disorders and body image.

Females experience debilitating negative self-talk and judgments about their body. Body image can be shifted into a place of neutrality, acceptance, and even self-love if that feels aligning for you.

At least twice a year I grab those pants with the intention of letting them go: Gah, I will never be able to wear these! The body shame and disappointment bubble up.

Feelings come up, disappointments and resentments rise up, I stuff them down as I stuff those pants back in the closet. The body dissatisfaction lingers.

I mean, they are GREAT pants! Versatile, well made, great fabric quality, and I bought them on such a good sale! I don’t want to let them go! 

Also, I would have to lose 50-60 lbs to fit them. The disordered eating thoughts creep in.

As someone who has done in the last decade tons of healing and recovery from life-long eating disorders like anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder, I am no longer falling for the re-triggering math of "if I lose this many pounds a week, I COULD really fit these pants in x-number of weeks". I know better than that. And yet I can't let go…

Self-help treatment with mindfulness and self-compassion 

I sit with these pants. I feel the feels. The floodgates have opened... Practicing mindfulness, self-compassion and positive self-talk in this moment of struggle with my body acceptance can be challenging.

At first, I become aware that if I let the pants go, I would be admitting "defeat" and that I would NEVER be that shape again. As I felt deeper, I felt grief. Grief over my eating disorder recovery journey, my unkind self-perception and body image, and all it has entailed.

I realized that these pants were not mine to let go of. Sure, they were in my closet, in this "here and now", but they belong to the version of me who bought them all that time ago. That past version of me still struggling to overcome an eating disorder and to find self-love and body acceptance.

That past me who tried them on, couldn't quite do them up, promised herself to REALLY pull herself together and get on a meal plan, and exercise MORE and and and… Classic eating disorder behaviours and thought patterns. She bought the pants that were clearly too small, to bully herself into losing the weight and fitting them.

… and life happened, getting married followed by a blissful time of enjoying each other, and a frantic time of career growth. Followed by much anticipated pregnancy and delivery, which left me with an extra layer of trauma and a belief that I was broken. This brought on a loss of identity, which spiraled into a deep depression.

I felt my body was broken and it had let me down. And even the happy marriage started disintegrating so fast…

Some setbacks, punishing patterns of exercise abuse and disordered eating came back. Wondering, do I have an eating disorder all over again? Too late for relapse prevention, but the weight stayed on. The view of the pants hanging in the closet bristling the hairs on my back… Back to "How to Overcome an Eating Disorder 101". 

Healing from Eating Disorder in Action...

So I'm sitting here with these pants, asking myself what my younger self needed to finally let go of them. What I ( in this “here and now”) needed, to finally be the embodiment of eating disorder recovery.

She wanted to be back to those fun, careless times of her honeymoon and adoration. She wanted to put those pants on and feel strong, confident, capable. She wanted to feel whole and unbroken again, or maybe even for the first time in her life. She wanted to know that she was worthy of delicious self-care, positive affirmations, and a good quality of life. That one day things would be ok, that she would be ok. That recovery was possible.

I told her about her son, who was absolutely extraordinary, almost 15 years old now. I told her about the marriage that was restored and renewed love sprouted back again. And I told her about an unexpected and new life and career path. She laughed with awe.

Some Key Coping strategies in my recovery

I told her that the current me has found a way to honour our body just the way it is. We are still learning to love it in every way, but the body acceptance helps us to find pleasure in joyful movement and rebuilding our strength and abilities. 

I told her that now we have a nourishing relationship with food, we no longer feel guilty about what we eat or not eat, we are healing from emotional eating by using meditation and mindfulness techniques. 

We practice mindful eating, body appreciation, and keep a gratitude journal on paper and in our heart.

I told her that we are no longer torn by the compulsion to disappear ourselves. 

Eating disorder recovery is a journey, a process of letting go, learning new things, and receiving the support that benefits you.

Light at the end of the tunnel: Recovery is possible!

Most of all, I told her that we are OK. That she is whole, perfect and complete just the way she is. She is whole, in every way. Never had been broken in the first place, regardless of what the eating disorder gnomes in her mind made her believe. I told her that feeling the wholeness in the entirety of our being is the greatest joy! No pants needed, no particular size needed. True body positivity and self-acceptance.

We cried together, mostly with relief. Relief in knowing how to recover from an eating disorder. Relief in knowing that we can do the HARD things in life. Relief in knowing that there is so much more out there that we could have imagined. 

Few weeks have passed. While decluttering, old boxes with similar pants made an appearance. They all are gone now, somebody else enjoying their "vintage" quality.

Room in my closet, healing in my heart, excitement in my belly. Wholeness all around. Embracing body positivity and body diversity. Understanding why body acceptance is important and healing. Finding freedom through eating disorder recovery. Integrating all parts of me as I heal. 

More about the author, SevaRam Spronk

SevaRam Spronk is a meditation educator, a life coach, and a community builder. Through her unique work method that blends deep yet grounded spirituality and practical self-inquiry, she leads her clients to rediscover their true identity, giving them an access to a joyous, fearless, fulfilling life.

For more information, visit her website https://www.sacredsoundsoulwork.com/