Why we can’t just shame or criticize ourselves into changing what we want to be different in ourselves.

"We can't shame ourselves into changing or getting better."

When you find yourself questioning why you can’t just change or stop doing things. It’s helpful to understand that we don’t actually get motivated to make a sustainable change by criticizing or beating orselves up. We may feel bad, down, or so upset we make an impulsive attempt towards change to interrupt that way of feeling. This is only a temporary way to make a change though. With constantly living in a state of stress, heightened disgust or distress we then experience eventually a burnout state of exhaustion, and we can no longer keep up with this. So essentially, criticizing and shaming ourselves leads to an overload status survival mode, and then we shut down. If you have been in this state of living and being, then you have likely recognized it only worked short term. There are more gentle, and sustainable ways to motivate yourself towards a change.

Motivation is something that more often comes from taking action first. These action steps can be small or large, however when we start with even just 10 minutes, or a small step towards feeling accomplishment it can then motivate us further to continue. If we are limited and unable to keep up with the action steps we started in that 10 minute increment, we still can come back to the sense of accomplishment another day or later in the day when we are able to do more.

Motivation through positive thinking is actually more energizing for us. This can look like focusing on why we want to make a change, how it will benefit us, and what it will feel like. When we focus on how we feel at each step of change, recognizing and acknowledging that every little step in the right direction helps s reach our goals. A positive way to engage in motivation is also to focus on what are the ways this desired change or action matches my values? The more our values match and are aligned with our behaviors the more likely we are to do them.

Cultivating willingness helps us to move out of the comfort zone into the space where we can tolerate discomfort that is manageable and gets us to our goal. We can ask ourselves, “Am I willing to feel some discomfort, in order to do what matters to me?” Focusing on acknowledging something may be uncomfortable, however it also will lead to what we want, it can help s to tolerate the discomfort associated with change. Willingness means to be open to, all the way, the change and doing what is most effective.

You can defuse the “reason giving thought patterns,” which look like “I’m too anxious to try something new, I will never be able to get started, I have failed at everything.” You can focus on the reasons why you want to do this. You can try talking back to your brain, or rather the thoughts that tell yo why you can’t do it, by focusing on acknowledging it, and then reframing it to be the confident words you wold say to someone you were coaching to do something new to them.

Remember that you can challenge your thoughts, as thoughts are not facts. Shifting into motivation with less criticism can be activated by aligning your values with your behaviors and enlisting the supports of others to keep you accountable in celebrating your wins regardless of how small they are.