3 Reasons people won't attend therapy and what you CAN do.

You find yourself drawn to reading this, to better understand what's blocking your loved one from attending therapy, and maybe thinking, you will learn ways to help them to be more open to change. Maybe you are frustrated, resentful, or even worried about someone you care about. I've written this blog just for you. The intention is to help you understand some potential explanations why that person isn't quite ready, or willing to go therapy. I've also included a few self-care strategies that are sure to help shift your stress.

Let's start with looking through the lens of your loved one, and understanding their experience first. 3 reasons individuals won't attend therapy are: 1. Feeling paralyzed by self-blame, guilt, and shame, 2. Fear of change, and 3. Lack of motivation to change. I'll explain these more in detail in the next few paragraphs.

1. Feeling Paralyzed by self-blame, guilt, and shame. Many times it can feel overwhelming, scary, and exhausting when you are living with constant ruminating thoughts, many feelings, and feeling stuck with how to change your life. Self-blame is most often seen when we are beating ourselves up. Telling ourselves internally, or externally to others, "I should have done this, or I should not have done this, and then everything would be perfect. It's all my fault. I'm a bad person." These thought patterns, internal voices we have with ourselves, can definitely impact the way we think, feel, and act. It can either motivate us to change or keep us feeling stuck, almost paralyzed in the same cycle of patterns regardless of how others view it differently from the outside. This is understandable, however let's look a bit deeper.

2. Fearful of seeking help, or fearful of changing. Sometimes, individuals feel like they will be judged by going to therapy by others or even the therapist. It can be related to the stigma of having a mental health problem or "something is wrong with me." This can become a barrier to coming into therapy. Trying to logically "talk them out of this thought" may work, and may not work. You may have given this a try already and again, it's left you feeling defeated and unsure.

3. Motivation to Change not present. It may feel "normal or comfortable" to continue with what they have been experiencing. Remember we are creatures of habit. That may mean we are not ready to change just yet. Pushing someone to change when not at all motivated, often leads to the person feeling more anxious, and afraid. This can have the impact of leaving treatment too early, or only attending enough sessions to prove, "there isn't anything wrong with me, I'm just going to say I tried and it didn't work."

Individuals may feel like what they are doing to cope currently is the only way to feel relief. If something is working, and someone truly believes this, then they may not want to go open up and discuss how to change it. After all, why change or try to fix something that isn't exactly broken? Right.... Ok, you probably get that point by now, nevertheless it's still frustrating, so what can you do about it? Keep reading to learn more.

Let's shift perspectives to focus on 3 things you can do yourself when you recognize someone you love needs help but they won't accept it, or seek it out.

1. Focus on how you can help yourself reduce stress. How can you evaluate the situation differently, maybe by taking a different perspective? Maybe it's beneficial to evaluate the level of effort, the amount of contact being made with that person, or to set boundaries about how you help or support them. This may also include taking care of yourself more. Part of self-care includes boundary setting. Maybe you can decide to seek out help for yourself to talk through how this is impacting you and receive individualised support to learn different ways of coping yourself. Consider if there is a hobby or activity you used to enjoy that you've not been attending recently, and focus on how to re-engage that into your life. By bringing more joy and filling your time with things you value it can help you feel less stressed and find a balance again in your life.

2. Part 1: As a parent, you recognize your child is struggling in some way and could use some help. Your child then refuses to talk in therapy, and they refuse to go try again. Consider these options. The first option I'd suggest is that you can attend therapy yourself. You can focus on understanding how you are impacted by your child's challenging behaviours or emotional presentation, and then build ways to communicate in less confrontational triggering ways. Also, by learning your own self-care strategies, it can help role model ways to manage emotions differently in the home. This can lead to a conversation about inviting the idea of trying out therapy together as a family which can feel less threatening or intimidating to the individual child, (target is no longer solely on them). As a therapist who has provided family counselling sessions over the years, I've always found supporting parents and families together has the potential to create change that would have taken much longer to arrive at by solely providing individual support to the child. So whenever, it is appropriate and possible to consider attending jointly unless otherwise recommended by a professional.

2. Part 2: As an adult, concerned about an adult loved one, you realise you cannot "force them into therapy," however, you can attend therapy sessions on your own. By working on understanding the relationship impact on each other, and the patterns of interactions that may contribute to you feeling more upset and stressed out by your loved ones presenting challenges it can bring some relief. Sometimes this might include exploring ways to set boundaries. This may mean looking at ways to set limits, including allowing natural consequences to occur. For example, if I wake up late for work, and then forget my lunch at home, and don't have time to go get it, then I go without my preferred lunch. That's an example of a natural consequence, and this can lead to motivating behaviour change over time from an internal perspective for the person experiencing that uncomfortable experience or natural consequence. It may also mean changing the patterns of language used to communicate boundaries in your relationship as well. Practising how to communicate with assertiveness strategies can really help you to feel in control of your reactions, and reduce arguments or the defensive cycles that can occur as well.

3. If your loved one is experiencing substance misuse and this is impacting the other household members or family members, then consider seeking out help professionally from an professionally trained therapist with expertise in addictions treatment. Also, consider reading this highly recommended self-help book. Get your loved one sober, without begging, pleading, or nagging, by Robert Meyers. It focuses on understanding step by step ways to not engage in arguments that often lead to both of you feeling more upset, distanced from each other, and ultimately more conflict. Instead, by disengaging from the unhealthy patterns and conflict instances, while leaning into to reinforce the positive moments together it can help change the situation in small steps. It also focuses on teaching you how to engage in your own self-care needs, to help you feel better overall. This book is based on an evidenced based/research backed model of change for addiction treatment which impacts both the individual with the addiction use, as well as their family, friends, and social connections.

To summarise, change can feel overwhelming, scary, and takes lot's of courage to ask for help. When we understand our loved ones needs, and challenges it can help us to seek out alternative ways of helping, even if that means seeking out therapy to help ourselves.

In my therapy services provided, I support parents and caregivers with how to engage in effective self-care that is individualized, and also explore the use of Emotion Focused Family Therapy model. This modality can be used with just caregivers or parents alone in sessions. It helps you to shift away from confrontation, and conflict while getting into more connection through communication. This can include setting boundaries, and processing your own emotional needs as well.